Tell Me Where It Hurts
by cheeza
Summary: Alec find max trying to drown her sorrows at Crash and tries to get her to open up - complete
1. Alec's Ass

Title: Tell Me Where It Hurts 

Author: Cheeza  
Rating: PG-13

E-mail: cheeza84@aol.com 

Disclaimer: After extensive therapy I can finally say I don't own DA, Max or...Alec

Genre: Angst/Romance

Summary: Alec finds Max trying to drown her sorrows and tries to open her up.

* * *

"You know what I really hate about being an X-series?" I ask, knowing he's behind me before I see him. I've noticed that recently. I can feel when he's around. It's like a sixth sense. And it's not as unpleasant as it used to be.

He pulls up on the stool beside me and signals to the bartender to bring us more drinks and faces me, "Hmm, having White and his goons on your back constantly? Or how about having to hide who you are from everyone? Or maybe because Manticore seems to have screwed with you at every opportunity?"

"Our complete inability to get so drunk you can't think straight." My throat burns as I down the amber liquid in my glass. My fourth…fifth…or maybe sixth of the night, I'm not really keeping track. I turn to look at him for the first time tonight and see his trademark smirk in place, "Well there's always that."

I slump further onto the bar, if possible. Usually I love Crash. It's familiar. A place to hang with my friends, maybe win some money beating some bonehead at pool. Tonight, it just seems…detached. Or maybe that's just me. I'm detached, cut off, disconnected…

I pick up my glass, which seems to having magically refilled itself, and swirl the contents around. I figure that maybe if I look hard enough, the answers I'm looking for will suddenly appear on the bottom. God I'm pathetic.

"So come on Maxie, you gonna tell me what's up?" he asks after awhile. I'm actually surprised he's managed to stay quiet for this long. If I was in a better mood, I might even laugh at that. But as it is, my head droops closer bar. It's not a question I want to answer. Hell, I may be pathetic but that doesn't mean I want him to know that. Right enough, he's never been one to go away just because I ignore him so I figure avoidance is the best tactic here.

"I'm fine." I see his eyebrow rise out of the corner of my eye. I look over and find him staring at me, waiting for an answer that isn't bullshit. Should have known avoidance wouldn't work. Hmm, what to say? 

I could feed him the virus line. 'Woe is me, I can't touch my non-boyfriend in case I kill him' But the truth is, **I** don't even buy that anymore. Sure, it's not exactly great that I could kill Logan by touching him but I'm pretty much over it. If I'm being honest, it's just another excuse to push people, namely my drinking buddy here, away. Not really working though since he's sitting here next to me. 

It would never have worked between Logan and me. I mean, sure, he's a great guy what with saving the downtrodden and repressed, but that won't exactly keep a girl warm at night. I thought we could make it work. For the longest time, I thought that's what I wanted but I was fooling myself. Logan and I lack…chemistry. You know that feeling, when your blood is rushing through your veins so fast it makes you dizzy and no matter how much you want to, you can't stop thinking about him. He gets under your skin and you feel like you're about to burst every time you're around him. The air around you feels charged and sometimes you don't know whether to punch the guy or just…kiss him all over. Passion. Logan and I didn't have that. Hell, I didn't' know what it was until a few mont hs ago.

I don't need Logan . As horrible as it sounds, I don't want him anymore. I need someone who'll push me to my limit. Someone who can make me so mad that every nerve-ending in my body screams, who can make me laugh so hard it hurts. Someone who can bring me out of my darkest moods just by being there. Someone who's always got my back. Someone who understands what…no who…I am. And that's not Logan . He doesn't understand me. Not really. It's not his fault, he tries, but there are some things I've done, seen, that he just couldn't accept. He doesn't understand Manticore. He can't. It's like…have you ever had a friend that tells you something so bad that happened to them that you wish they hadn't? You can sit and be supportive and nod along like you know how it feels but at the same time you can't comprehend how they're feeling. You can't relate, because you've never experienced it. Anyway, that's how it is with Logan and me. He can't understand the dark parts inside of me. And I don't show them to him because, in all honesty, I don't think he'd be able to even pretend to understand. He's get that self-righteous, disgusted 'oh god, I can't believe she could be so merciless, how could she do something that terrible' look on his face before telling me that it's all in the past and that I'm a different person now. Like he has to justify why he wants to be with someone like me. But he's wrong, it's still in me. It might be buried deep, but it's still there. And some part of me enjoys the darkness, revels in it. I don't like to think about it, but it's true.

I catch Alec still staring at me and realise I've disappeared into my own dark little world and by the looks of it; he's waiting for an answer. What was the question again? I raise my eye-brow, expectantly, hoping he'll repeat the question. All the while glaring slightly, don't want the bitch façade to crack. His brows furrow and I notice for the first time just how much he talks with them.

"Yeah, you're fine. That's why you're sitting alone at a bar trying, unsuccessfully, to get drunk. Hell, I do that all the time." The sarcasm is evident in his tone and I try to suppress the corners of my mouth from twitching up. Damn him! How does he do that? Maybe he won't notice. Of course he does. I give him a knowing look and he grins, one of those full blown, the cat that got the cream grins that only ever see to be directed at me.

"Well, okay, maybe I do. Can't blame a guy for trying right?" He glances past me and smiles at the blonde to my left. I feel a twinge in my stomach and send him my best 'I'm so going to kick your ass' glare. He holds his hands up in apology and gives me that look. You know that look. The one that says, 'please forgive me, I can't help it. I'm just a guy.' And I decide, just for the hell of it, to punch him on the shoulder. He smirks again before sobering up and I feel a kind of fuzziness knowing that the blonde is forgotten and I've got his complete attention again.

"Thing of it is, Max. You don't. Sit trying to drown your sorrows." He tone turns teasing, "So come on, tell Uncle Alec."

That's right; he wanted to know what was wrong. So I've ruled out the virus excuse. The White thing won't work. Maybe I should tell him work's getting me down. Right enough, he'd never believe that I care enough about that to try have to be sitting here like this. Umm…how about ' Cal l me crazy but I think I might be in love with you.' No, true as it may be, that's not what's bothering me. It should be, but I guess I've accepted it. Maybe, I should just throw out a combination of all the crappy things in my life and hope he buys it. Yeah. That's me, genetically-modified-killing-machine girl with a plan.

I open my mouth to sprout of a load of crap when I catch the looks he's giving me. It's intense. Understanding. Like, if I told him what was really wrong, it'd be okay. He wouldn't try to fix me or tell me that whatever's wrong is in the past. I've nev er seen this look before. It's like he, I don't know, he **needs** me to confide in him. He needs me to trust him. Like he's desperate for my acceptance. And all the times I've been a bitch to him flash past my eyes. The only time I've ever seen him look this vulnerable was when he had that bomb attached to his brain stem. I know what It's like to strive for approval, acceptance so before I even realise what I'm saying, I open my mouth and ask quietly,

"Have you ever woken up one day and realised that you hate what you've become? Like you've become the epitome of everything you despise?"

I swallow the rest of my drink and hesitantly look up into his face, my eyes begging him to understand. And that's when I see it. He does understand. He knows what I'm talking about and, unlike Logan , he's not pretending. He pulls some bills out of his pocket and throws them on the bar before taking my hand, "Let's get out of here."

I raise my eye-brow, feigning annoyance. Oh come on, I may be depressed, but even I can't let that one go. He's lips twitch upwards and he chuckles slightly, his warm brea th hitting my cheek and for a second I let myself think about the possibilities of his request.

"You need to talk, and you can't do it here. Do you really want to lose your tough girl exterior in the middle of Crash?" I glare at him although there's no real feeling behind it. He knows I'm not tough. He's seen through me. And that scares me almost as much as it makes me tingle. He can see **me**. Not the soldier, not the kick-ass girl, but **me** "Come on Maxie, I've got lots of alcohol…"

I laugh, for the first time in a while. He sounds like one of those pathetic guys who have to beg a girl to come home with them. Although this is Alec, not the type of guy who has to resort to begging. My guess is he's been on the receiving end a time or two though.

I narrow my eyes and try to keep the grin from appearing across my face, "This better not just be an excuse to get me alone in your apartment." He rolls his eyes and chuckles again, "You wish Maxie, you wish."

He takes off towards the exit, pulling me behind him by the hand. I figured I better keep up appearances and say, "Keep your hands to yourself or I'll kick your ass."

"Always the ass, ain't it Max?" He smirks over his shoulder. "You should start a website… 'Alec's Ass'" And I let myself be pulled up the stairs thinking that might not be such a bad idea. 

* * *


	2. Moving On

Well, it's been months…but part two is finally up. Sorry for keeping you waiting for so long. Evil computers mixed with acute writers block. But I started writing this this morning and finished pretty quickly. Yay me! It' un-beta'd so forgive any bad grammar, etc.

Rating: PG-13 – has some swear words but that's about it.

Disclaimer: Not mine – sorry to everyone who wanted to borrow Alec!

To Any writers out there – I'm still planning on started my fanfic site so send in all M/A fics to cheeza84@aol.com

Stuff in italics is flashback

Now on with the fic…

* * * 

I follow Alec into his apartment fifteen minutes, and a hell of a bike ride, later. There's nothing like feeling the wind blowing against you, while you're travelling ninety miles an hour, to clear the cobwebs. Doesn't hurt having a damn fine specimen of a male clinging to you either. But hey, what's a girl to do?

I stand in the doorway quietly and watch Alec throw his keys onto a rickety old table off to the left. He grabs some bottles from a cupboard in the kitchen, dumps them on the coffee table in front of his old, beat up, brown couch. Then he grabs, what I'm guessing is a bunch of dirty laundry off said couch and throws it onto a chair hidden away in the corner. And me? I just stand and observe him. He's so comfortable within himself. Seeing him like this, alone in his own domain, the change in him is startling. Gone is the excitable two year old on a sugar high he becomes when scamming Sketchy out of his latest pay-packet and hello to…well lets just say the feline in his cocktail is evident. Confident, sensual, sleek. All synonymous with Alec. But with his slow, methodical movements is a layer of repressed danger. Like silk cover steel. So reminiscent of our animal ancestry.

As he makes his way back to his kitchen to pick up some glasses, I let me eyes slowly travel up his body, taking everything in from his strong, lean legs to his firm stomach muscles up his torso to even firmer shoulders. My gaze finally makes it up to his face and I see he's watching me too. I realise I've been staring and I lower my gaze embarrassed. 

Alec, ever in tune with my emotions, senses my discomfort and spread him arms wide and cracks a smile, "So ya comin' in Max? I mean you could stand in the doorway all night but you're kinda letting a draught in."

I roll my eyes at him, stalk over to the couch and drop down onto it. "Smart ass."

Alec, wisely, refuses to comment but can't repress a smirk. He drops down beside me and proceeds to pour us both a large drink. For the first time I take in my surroundings instead of the man next to me. It occurs to me that this is the first time I've been over here. Or at least it's the first time I've been here since it became Alec's apartment. It's different. The paint is still crumbling on the horrible green walls - remind me to get the guy some paint. The furniture is basically the same, moved round a bit to give more space but that's pretty much it. Most of the TVs are gone, except the biggest – god forbid Alec live without her beloved boob-tube! There's the addition of an impressive sound system which must have cost someone a bomb or, at least in Alec's case, a hard nights work. I can't pin-point exactly what it is, but the place has a distinctly Alec feel to it. It's nice, comforting.

I catch Alec watching me again out of the corner of my eyes and know that he's gonna wait for me to start talking. He's gonna let me set the pace, which I'm thankful for. I shift in my seat and lean forward, grabbing the glass on the table in front of me and downing it in one. Again it burns going down, but that pain isn't unwelcome – reminds me I'm alive. I pour myself another and try to get my thoughts in order. I need to talk to someone and Alec seems to be the best person to turns to but it would probably help if I knew what I was gonna say.

Glass refilled, I shift again. I put my right foot under my left knee and turn fully so that I'm facing the man next to me. He copies my stance so that we're mirror images of each other and gives me his full, undivided attention. I force down the urge to squirm under his intense look. I slowly take another drink, the burn lessening now and take a deep breath before blurting out the first thing that comes into my head, "I broke up with Logan today."

My eyes dart to my hands, which are nervously tracing the rim of the glass, and cringe at the abruptness of my statement. Way to go Max – just shove it out there. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I'm mentally beating my head off a brick wall and thinking of the virtues of subtlety, when I hear a chuckle coming from the direction of the soon-to-be dead transgenic opposite me. I look up sharply and fix him with a look promising death. Does he not know this isn't funny? What the hell?!

"What is it this week?" His tone, if I'm not mistaken – which hey what're the odds? – has a bitter edge to it. I look into his eye, trying to read his expression but he's got his shutters down and is wearing his blank, soldier mask and his posture tensing as if ready for the on-slaught. I feel a pang deep in my gut that he's still hiding from me and I'm about two seconds away from whacking him upside the head and going into my ever reliable fallback plan of defensiveness, when I remember what I promised myself earlier…I'm not going to do this anymore. Defensive, violent Max = miserable Max, which I'm trying so damn hard to change. So instead, I look at things from Alec's perspective for once – that's a turn up for the books huh? It staggers me how many times we must have gone through this same routine in the past...I break up with Logan, promising to never see him again, Alec tells me it's better this way, that we should stay away from ordinaries and them BAM! within a week, I'm back at Logan's, with my tail between my legs and leaving Alec looking like a jerk for telling me to stay away in the first place.

My death glare softens and I shake my head self-deprecatingly and gaze back down at my hand, "I suppose I deserve that one – huh?" I slowly bring my eyes up to his and see him relax slightly and, although his eyes are still guarded, the blank look is gone. "But no…it's really over this time." 

_* * *_

_I slowly make my way over to the figure in his usual position, hunched over the computer screen. I'm dreading this conversation. It not going to end well, but I can't keep stringing him along. He looks up as I enter and his eyes light up like an excited puppy dog, as he beams at me. I swear if he had a tail, it would be wagging. I feel another stab of guilt as I think of how happy he is to see me. I look up at him, stance confident – if I'm anything other than this he'll be left hoping – and say the four words everyone dreads hearing, "We need to talk."_

_His head ducks back to his screen and ever oblivious he utters, "Yeah. I've had some word back on that drug lord in-"_

_"Logan this isn't working." My tone is firm and leaves no room for argument. This isn't a big deal. In…break his heart…and out. Right. He slowly looks up and I can see him processing my posture and what I'm saying. He slumps, resigned and throws out the next words with practices eased. _

_"Come on Max, don't do this." _

_* * *_

I shake my head, upset that it took me this long to end it with Logan. Alec must misread my actions as he mutters, "Don't worry about it…give it a few days and it'll all blow over." This time he masks his tone, sounding almost hopeful for me, but he can't mask his eyes. They hold the same resigned look Logan did after I muttered those four little words to him. Again, I feel a slight pang that he doesn't believe me…but who can blame him.

"No it won't. Not this time. I don't want it to. Logan and I…it's empty." 

He looks at me then, this time he's trying to read my expression and I lay it all out there for him. He continues to watch me, eyes trailing over my face looking for any signs of uncertainty. After a few moments of silence, he nods seeing the conviction in my eyes and my chest feels a bit lighter. He slings back the rest of his drink and pours us some more. I turn back around and plank my feet up on his table, relaxing back into the worn couch. I sigh blissfully and close my eyes. I feel that couch shift as Alec hands me my drink and leans back too.

"And yet you seem remarkably calm." I can hear the grin in his voice, so when I turn to face him, I'm not surprising to see it covering his face. Now cute's not really a word I'd use to describe Alec – hot, sexy, sensual…hell who am I kidding? The man is sex personified…but right now, in this moment, seeing him leaning back, completely relaxed, features softened in the darkness of the room lit only by the lamp in the corner, his hair tousled slightly more so than usual from the bike ride over here and that devil-may-car, shit-eating grin on his face…Alec is the embodiment of cute and I, for one can't help but grin back at him.

"And yet…"

We sit in silence for a few minutes, just drinking and glancing at each other occasionally. This is nice. I really don't do this enough; spend some down-time with Alec. But hey, that's all gonna change hopefully. I glance over at him again and catch his eye and we both chuckle at the absurdity of the situation. Who would have thought I'd be happy after my break up with Logan? And who would have though I'd be sitting here with Alec, chilling out and in no way threatening physical violence? Just shows that miracles do happen I guess. Then again, maybe you'd have been able to foresee it if you weren't blind or, alternatively, a completely stubborn, female transgenic.

The comfortable silence continues for a while longer and, as corny as it sound, I bask in the warmth of it. Okay, I think I'm embarrassed that that thought even entered my head. Oh well. I should have tried this happiness thing a while ago. But, alas all good things must come to an end…

"So how was it?" I cringe slightly replaying some of my earlier conversation with Logan.

"It…wasn't pretty."

_* * *_

_"Things haven't been the same since I came back from Manticore. At first it was the virus – I mean that'd put a huge strain on the strongest relationships – but Logan, honestly, do you think it would've worked."_

_"Max, you have to give it a chance. Wait a little longer-"_

_"I've given us every chance Logan. I've been working my ass off for the past seven months trying to find a cure. It's given me a lot of time to think. And I'm just not sure it would make a difference."_

_"Don't throw away what we ha-"_

_"And what do we have Logan? God, you've been such an important part of my life. You were the first person to ever find out who I was. The first person I could let go a little with. And that first year was great. We were friends. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more. I wanted you to love me. I think a part of me needed you to love me. I wanted so badly to believe that someone could. That someone could know that I'm a freak and still want to be with me. And for a while that was enough. I'm not gonna lie Logan, if it hadn't been for you I don't think I'd have survived Manticore the second time around. I had lost so many of my brothers and sisters…I lost Zack. So the thought of you, out here waiting for me…you and OC and Sketch…I didn't give up. I fought them and-"_

_"You came back to me."_

_"Yeah. But then the virus…and we've tried so hard to find a way around it. But it's stopped being about us…for me it became about not letting them win. They did everything in their power to keep us apart. Well fuck that! I wasn't their good little soldier anymore. I wasn't about to follow orders. So I had to find a way to be with you so that I could turn round and give a big fuck you to Manticore."_

_"We can still do that Max. We'll prove they can beat us. Don't give up. Don't let them win."_

_"That's just it though. They can't win…not anymore. Manticore's gone and the only thing left for me to lose is myself. I won't let a burnt out pile of bricks dictate my actions anymore. There's so much going on now. So many transgenics out there to help. So much work to do…we…we just seem insignificant in comparison. And I need to let this go. We're both miserable Logan. It's time to move on."_

_* * *_

"I'm sorry Max." I look over again and smile softly. I didn't give him enough credit in the past. All these months and he's wormed his way into my life, my heart. A few months ago I would probably have found some way to make this his fault, and Alec, being Alec, would have sit back and let me. I've been such a bitch.

I reach over and take his hand, grateful that he cares. I suppress the shiver building at the base of my spine at the feeling of his hand in mine. He looks over, showing his surprise at me voluntarily touching him without the typical pain on his end. He smiles softly, to show his appreciation of the gesture and I smile back, squeezing his fingers gently as his eyes flash with some unknown emotion.

"Don't be," I whisper. "Wasn't your fault. It's been inevitable for a while now. It's just…" I trail off searching for the right words. Alec slowly curls his fingers around mine so that we're palm to palm and gives my hand a gentle squeeze to show his support and that he's listening. I gasp slightly at the action and gaze at our hands in awe. It's strangely intimate, feeling his long fingers tangled in mine so perfectly – strong but tender…something so temptingly Alec. I gaze up at him, to see if maybe I'm being stupid but from the look on his face he feels it too. He glances up from our joined hands to my eyes and I'm floored by the emotion there. Awe. Compassion. Reverence. And behind all that, something deeper that makes my heart start to beat just a little bit faster and causes my breathing to shallow out slightly…and his gaze is so intense, like he's looking right through me, that I have to break it, but I don't let go of his hand. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't held anyone's hand in such a long time or simply because it _is_ Alec, but I find myself gripping onto him tighter as I continue. "It's just some things were said. Some not so nice things that have needed saying for a while."

_* * *_

_"So what? That's it? You just decide it's over? It doesn't work like that Max. You can't just walk in here after all this time and tell me it's over." His tempers rising now and I'm trying so hard to hold onto mine because it's not his fault. I should have done this months ago. Spared him, spared us both all this pain._

_"Yes, I can." _

_"Well I don't accept it." His condescending tone is really starting to piss me off but I just take a deep breath and remind myself It's. Not. His. Fault._

_"Logan that really doesn-"_

_"No Max, you've had your say. All this talk of friendship and needing me to love you and letting go and sacrificing us for a higher cause - it's bullshit. Pretty…poetic…noble even, but still bullshit. What it comes down to is fear. You're afraid to let me in. You're afraid that things'll turn out right. That we'll get out happily ever after. I think a part of you wants to be miserable Max. A part of you doesn't think you deserve happy."_

_I sigh, completely exasperated but willing myself not to lose control of my temper because not so long ago, I thought the exact same things and It's. Not. His. Fault. "Maybe, in the past, you're right. But I'm starting to understand that I deserve to be happy as much as the next person. But if I look into the future to see you and me together…I don't see happy. I see hiding, I see pretending, I see obligation, I see sacrifices…but I don't see happy."_

_"Hiding? Pretending? When have you ever had to do that for me? I know who you are…and I accept it." He's yelling now, his tone raising a few octaves in disbelief as if I've just told him that I'm eloping with Lydecker._

_"That's it though Logan…it's something you had to accept. To Alec, Joshua, OC…hell ever Sketchy, who was one of the biggest anti-transgenic protestors out there…to them it just is. And I've had to change a lot about me for you to be able to accept me."_

_"Like what?" What Logan? You want a list?_

_"Like cat burglary for instance. Before I met you, it was a big part of my life…a rush…a means to an end. Steal some over-priced art from some rich pretentious snob with more money than sense and make a few bucks. But 'no Max, stealing is wrong.' Yeah, it's wrong unless it's stealing something for eyes only. Doesn't matter how noble or important the information or whatever it happens to be…I still get it in the same way. You disapproved of theft…I stopped. Hell I even started preaching to Alec the virtues of earning stuff instead of just taking it or at the very least stealing from the bad guys. Used to be I didn't give a shit…now I'm god damn Robin Hood!" _

_This is only one of the things I've realised I've sacrificed for the sake of this relationship recently. I used to love it. The heists. It's in my blood…that need for an adrenaline fix. I'm not out on missions so I need something to keep me going. But he didn't like it so I stopped. I'm amazed that the girl he fell in love with…I've changed so much for him that I'm not her anymore._

_"You've changed – so what? Happens to everyone." Again with the condescending tone. I'm not a child Logan! I'm aware of the theory behind evolution! Come on Max…remember – It's. Not. His. Fault._

_"Yeah, but I changed for you. To make myself better - for you. And I really don't like what I've changed into. I miss the old me. I didn't give a damn about anything except chillin' with my friends, my family and dodging Lydecker. Then I wake up one day and realised I'm a cape away from being a fully-fledge superhero, protecting the down-trodden and repressed and helping little old ladies cross the street. But that's beside the point. I just…we need to finish this."_

_"So you're just going to run away from me? From us? Not really surprising though is it? I mean that's what you're good at – running away. Leaving when things get too hard for you" _

_I'm completely floored by the venom in his voice. My eyes meet his and for the first time ever…well since I got to know him…I'm actually contemplating physical violence on Logan. How the fuck dare he talk about stuff he doesn't understand?! He wasn't there. Those words ring hauntingly familiar. _

_*You weren't there* _

_And for the first time I understand what Alec meant that night. Just like I can't understand what they put him through when we escaped, Logan can't possibly understand what we went through to trigger the escape. No matter how much he wants to believe otherwise…he doesn't get it. He will never get it._

_Flashbacks of my childhood flit rapidly beneath my eyes and I contemplate how much harder it must have been for Alec when we left and my gaze narrows. My eyes meet Logan's and harden, promising all kinds of pain for that last comment. My voice chokes out sharp, deadly…_

_"What?" My posture straightens, the tone of my voice…everything becomes the embodiment of what I started out life as, what I still am deep inside – a soldier. Logan swallows hard and for the first time ever I think he might actually be afraid of me. Well good. I scent the air and revel in the smell of fear. I smile, and it's not friendly. Logan gulps again. _

_"Max, I-I'm so-" he stutters, backing away from me slightly._

_"Fuck you Logan. I didn't have to do this. I could have just walked away but I thought I at least owed you some sort of explanation. You have no idea- I'm not…it's over. Lose my number." I keep my voice controlled, level and he knows he's in trouble. I lose my temper so easily. Sketchy, Normal, Alec…they've all been on the receiving end a few times – especially the latter – but anyone who knows me, knows I'm my most dangerous when I'm quiet, controlled._

_"Max wait I'm sorry." His voice breaks and it sucks the anger out of me. He's broken. I've done that. I want to scream and tell him it's not fair. He doesn't get to say shit like that and have me forgive him...but the way he's looking at me, maybe he's been punished enough already. _

_My shoulders slump, the fight taken out of me and my brows furrow in apology for breaking his heart, as I reply, "Me too."_

_* * *_

I break away from my thoughts and look back up at Alec and that look from Crash is back. The one that shows me he understands exactly how I feel and that it's okay, just for now, to let myself feel like that…to let myself be weak. And that, he's got my back, no matter what. His thumb is gently tracing circles on the back of my hand and I feel - and I can't believe how much of a girl this makes me sound - but I feel tingles all the way up my arm. And for the first time I'm actually scared of disappointing him. Does he think I've been leading Logan on? Does he think I'm a bitch for letting it get this far? And I know it's stupid, cause the way he's looking at me right now is telling me that he thinks anything but. Still, I feel like I have to make sure. I desperately grip his hand between both hands now and move closer so that my knee brushes against his thigh. His heads bowed, watching our hands again as if something completely mind-boggling is happening. I timidly – timid? When have I ever been timid? – glance down at out joined hands again.

"Alec?" If he wasn't a transgenic, I don't think he would have heard me, but I don't trust my voice not to crack if I speak louder. He glances up at me through his lashes, his green eyes soft, questioning. "Aren't you gonna ask me why?"

And, truthfully, I don't know what I want him to say. I want to explain it all to him but at the same time…Logan, the supposed love of my life, didn't understand where I was coming from at all. So how can I expect Alec to? Deep down I know he'd get it. And I'm not sure I can go through it all again. 

His right hand slowly comes up under my chin and tilts my head upwards so that I have to look at him. His eyes are still soft and the green is seems like its melting into a liquid brown in this lighting. His index finger tenderly runs over my jaw and when he finally speaks his word sound do sure and confident, "I know why."

"You know?" 

"I know." He nods slightly and I'm frozen, eyes widening slightly.

_* * *_

_"Is this about Alec?"_

_"What?" I'm shocked by the question and Logan's temper is rising again._

_"Alec…494…thorn in your fucking side – Alec. Ever since he's been around things have been different. You've been different – distant. And these last few months it's gotten worse. If you're not with him at work, you're out on some transgenic crusade with him. Or you're hanging with him at Crash or-"_

_"Or what? We're on some Eyes Only mission?" I snipe at him. Where the hell does he think he's going with this? So Alec and I hang out a lot. Big deal._

_"And when you're not with him, when we spend some time together…you're complaining about him or going on about his latest exploits. What am I supposed to think Max?"_

_"That he's my friend Logan."_

_"Friend…right!"_

_"Look, I know I haven't exactly been a chartered member in the 'We-love-Alec' brigade in the past, and I've blamed him for…well…pretty much everything and anything…but he's not to blame for this. This is about so much more than Alec."_

_"Maybe." I don't appreciate the disdain in his voice but again I try to stay calm. This can't last much longer and It's. Not. His. Fault._

_"Not maybe. I'm not breaking up with you to run off into the sunset with Alec."_

_"But there's a part of you that wants to right? Come on Max. I've seen the way you look at him and recently it's changed. You used to look at him like he was filth. A pain in the ass you couldn't wait to get rid of. But there was always something there. A reason he kept hanging around. And now…the look in your eyes…it's the same way he looks at you. Heat. Passion. You're in love with him. Whether or not you can admit it to me, at least admit it to yourself." I divert my eyes from him, neither confirming nor denying the accusation. What would be the point? Logan'll believe what he wants to believe – no matter what the truth. And the truth definitely isn't as clear cut as it used to be._

_* * *_

I sit there like a rabbit caught in headlights for a few minutes, my hands tangled in Alec's left and his right hand on my cheek. What to do? What to do? I'm giving this new/old Max things a try, really I am but maybe I'm not quiet ready to go _ there_ yet. Maybe. So what should I do? Retreat! In a situation you're unsure of, retreat. Feel things out and go from there. He doesn't know. He can't. I mean, what have I done to show him how I feel in the past? No, he just means, that he knows all about me and Logan being wrong for each other. 

I quirk my lips to the side lightly, letting Alec know I'm okay and slowly, and as casually as possible, disentangle myself from him. I clap my hands down on my knees and stand up, grabbing my previously forgotten about glass from the table and refill it, quickly downing it. I turn around slowly and risk a glance at Alec who is watching me again, something between and grin and a smirk on his face.

Damn! Way to be smooth Max. All that feline DNA and you couldn't have been a bit more graceful. I look towards the floor, shaking my head slightly at my antics. As I look back up at Alec, he chuckles slightly and I join in. Soon, we're killing ourselves laughing at…well I have no idea but laughing is better than crying so I go with it.

When the laughter dies down, I wander over the window to the right of the room and watch the rain flow down the glass. I think of the old nursery rhyme *_Rain, rain go away…_* and I suddenly feel the need to be out there. I don't know, maybe it'll wash away the remnants of the old Max. Wipe away any of the guilt that's left.

I lift my hand to the glass and follow a bead of rain, as it slips down the window-pane, with my fingertip. I begin to hum the children's rhyme softly and hear Alec chuckle again from behind me. I spin around and lean against the window sill. He's still sitting on the couch, the epitome of relaxation, with a soft smile on his face. And again I say - cute. If only more people would see him like this…with his guard down. Get to know the real Alec. But then I think that, purely on a selfish level, I'm glad that it's just me that gets to see it. That he trusts me enough to let me in. I never thought we'd get here.

"So how did he take it?"

"Oh, you know Logan and lost causes…" He chuckles again because he does. No matter what I said to Logan, and some of it was pretty bad at the end, a part of him will always be waiting. Maybe not a huge part of him, but still.

"And how are you?"

"Honestly?" Alec sends a mock glare my way and I snigger slightly. "I'm good…great actually. Feels like some huge weight has been and I can finally breathe again." I smile genuinely, letting him know I'm okay…that this has helped. He continues to lay stretched out on the couch and raises and eye-brow at me.

"So, what now?"

* * *

_"So what now?" Logan asks quietly. _

_"I'm really not sure. As movie-of-the-week as it sounds, I have to find myself again. I need to spend some time with my people, figure out what's important, who I am. I just need time I guess." I can tell I've said the wrong thing when he looks up at me, hope shining in his eyes. It's amazing that after everything I've told him he still thinks we have a chance._

_"So if I give you time then we can-"_

_"No. It's not gonna happen for us. You have to just face it Logan. It's time to get over it." _

_"He'll hurt you y'know. You're just a challenge. You probably the only girl that hasn't fallen at his feet. He'll get what he wants and then dump you just like has with every other girl. And what'll you do then? Don't think you can come running back to me when he hurt's you Max. It's not going to happen." He's lashing out. Grabbing at anything he can. If there's one thing I can recognise, it's defeat, and Logan's not winning this battle. Still, I can't help myself from getting slightly annoyed at him._

_"Have you listened to anything I've said? See, you never listen to me. It bugs the crap out of me. I've explained why I'm doing this and if you can't accept that then too bad. But don't make this about something it's not. If this was just about Alec, or sex, we'd have had this discussion a long time ago. Give me some credit. I'm not running away from you because this is hard. Hard I can deal with. I'm doing this because truthfully…I just don't want it enough to keep hanging on."_

_"But I love you Max…" The anger is gone from his voice and he just sounds…empty. This is what he's been reduced to. The great Eyes Only, pleading with his non-girlfriend to keep his hope alive. And now, I've got to drive the final nail into his coffin. I've been trying to avoid it, knowing it'll hurt him beyond anything else I've said tonight but I have to say it anyway because he deserve honesty and well…then he'll know. He'll move on._

_"That's what I'm trying to say Logan…it's not enough. I don't love you." And that's it. Done. The Logan and Max saga is finished. I turn and walk out, thinking it's been good while it lasted and all the while knowing that it's bullshit._

_* * *_

I take a deep breath as I realised that it's really finished – Logan and I that is. I've moved on and he will too, eventually. That part of my life is done. And I'll always be thankful for Logan. Without him, I wouldn't have been able to stop running. OC would probably never have found out who I was and I wouldn't have been opened up to the possibility of someone loving me. I guess I just realised that I was directing all those emotions in the wrong place. And that's another thing I have to be thankful to Logan for. Without him, would I have attacked the DNA lab that night? Would I have been recaptured? Would I have met the loveable rouge X5 sitting across the room staring at me, obviously waiting for some kind of answer? What was the question again? I look at him hoping he'll give me some kind of clue. I raise my eye-brow in question. He smirks, "I asked what now, Max?"

"Hmm…I don't know. I was thinking about seeing how high our alcohol tolerance level really is." I tease, a replica of his patented smirk covering my face as I raise an ey-brow. "You up for it?"

"Max, Max, Max…have you learned nothing? I'm always up for a challenge." His voice takes on the same teasing tone that's so often heard from him, but now there's something else behind it. He eye's have melted back to their original green and are twinkling out at me promising fun and mischief. I let me gaze shift from his eye, down to his broad shoulders, pausing briefly at hips lips. After covering every part of his shoulder and torso, I drag them down the rest of his body, pausing at all the important parts, before slowly making my way back up, again pausing at his lips long enough to watch his tongue dart out to wet them. I return the favour and eventually make it back up to his eyes, and I instantly feel like they're pinning me against the window. I gasp slightly from the look and the shivers that run up and down my back as a result of it. I lick my lips again and paint on a wicked grin, challenging him with my eyes, "So I've heard."

A/N: Okay, the demon has been exorcised! In all truthfulness, I didn't think I'd ever get around to finishing this but I didn't liek the way I had left it off before.

So, thanks again to everyone who reviewed the first chapter!

Be good girls and boys and click the button below!


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